Anyone who has known me long enough, knows that I am someone who doesn't keep dolls for long periods of time...
Recently, I've really tried to evaluate this process about myself because I
really want to keep my recent dollies: Mimic, Zephyr and Blossom.
I "adopted" them all with the intention of keeping them forever. I've been pretty good at managing myself.. but here they come again.
First comes the feelings of guilt; Do I really need these extremely expensive dolls ? Shouldn't I put those funds towards debt ?
Then comes all kinds of feelings that range from crazy to lazy. Crazy because I start to think that I'm nuts for even considering letting go of these special dollies and I'm totally entitled to have these things when my kids get expensive DS3s and video games.. that lay around the house and I have something I cherish and photograph almost daily.
And the lazy. Lazy you say ? What does lazy have to do with anything ? Well, it rhymed with crazy and sounded good in my title. But there is a bit of the thought that I might be.. because it's easy to slap a designer hat and dress on a doll and take a headshot of her and feel the love pour in. But it takes effort to set up a scene, pick out the perfect outfit and get the right angle for a good photo.
I've spent a few days now trying to figure out where my disconnect really is. Sifting through the ADHD of my feelings about all this has been honestly, a little emotionally draining. I even have a small fear that people will dislike me if I don't keep dollies. It's all very strange to me the range of emotion that comes with this thought process.
I don't know if people know much about me. But I am a stay-at-home mom. I don't drive. This really means, I'm a
stay-at-home mom. I don't even grocery shop on my own. I'm anxiety ridden. So, even if I had something to do outside the house, my anxiety makes me usually back out of plans with friends. So, I'm home. No complaints. I like being a hermit :) I do get myself out for the benefit of my 7 year old. We exercise, do school work, make things together, walk together. She will even get me to drive sometimes to things near our home to get out.
But my reason for saying that is... Blythe opens a few doors for me. That are either totally enabling my poor emotional state or making it better.
I have friends through Blythe, I get social interaction, chats with friends, creative time, photography that gets me outdoors, there's a few things.. I think they are healthy. :)
Another aspect is.. business. I love ideas. I'm an idea person. I love to try new things, start a business model, see it catch on and if I make a few bucks in the process, I feel some real self accomplishment. Not only that I am making a few bucks, but that I did it with my creativity and through something I love. And I managed to do it while still being at home and not in a stressful environment that isn't my home.
Tying all of this together has led me to figure out the loop I keep creating for myself with the dollies purging and what I need to do....
First thing is.. I need to get out of the designer dolly world. As much as I love their items, I can't afford them. Maybe I can treat myself to special items I save up for from funds I allocate from my headbands and re-roots. But all in all, I really need to get it in my head to stick with items within my budget. This probably meaning to start: 1 stock doll. Maybe 2 so 1 can model the re-roots. I'd also like to eventually get a stock Middie girl and make headbands for them too :) They are probably great for dioramas as well !
Next, and probably most important as this part I never follow through with. I need to measure a spot in my bedroom and have my husband borrow my dads truck and go to Ikea and get a nice, reasonably priced desk and 2 shelves with glass fronts. I hate the feeling that everything is all over the house. The desk will serve as my headband and re-rooting area, as well as my diorama and setup area. 1 shelf/tower will be for dolls, the other for headbands/reroot materials. Feeling that all of my stuff is taken care of will probably enable me to mentally house the idea of bringing more in over time...
It's important that I stay dedicated to the headbands and re-roots to help justify the funds I spend on the hobby. Taking from family money for this just causes me too much guilt. I need to fund my own addiction.
Then, I'd like to get a nice, used but well taken care of, DSLR. Something reasonably priced but takes great photos. I suspect this means I'd need to invest in a lens. This is also great because I need to also start taking more photos of my life and the humans in it. lol !
Then, I'd like to slowly purchase Re-Ment, used Barbie stuff... and other items that are planned purchases, within a reasonable price and fun for me. All purchases should be saved up for beforehand. No more impulse purchases that I'm putting on credit cards or selling other items to get.
The thing that led me to Blythe to begin with was dioramas. Miniatures.. Re-Ment.. I love setting up scenes and having fun actually "playing" and photographing this stuff. I really want this to be the focus of the hobby for me.
Saying all of this out loud was hard for me. But if I didn't do it, I fear I would keep repeating the loop.... and I just don't want to do it any more. The decision to re-home all my girls is still something I am fighting with.. I do believe that I will let go of Zephyr first. She is first because she was an impulse buy that I really couldn't afford and although I adore her sweet face, her pensive and beautiful pout is difficult for me to photograph and capture as I am more of a bubbly, colorful dolly person.
*Mimic and Blossom may stay... I am not sure I can let them go.
I hope I can make the steps I need to and then keep with it to get the outcome I am hoping for.
